Friends no more Ending a negative relationship doesn't have to be ugly by Kelly Kennedy Special to the Denver Post Sunday, August 11, 2002 - As she wiped a counter at the coffee shop where she works, Erin Cummins scrunched her forehead and thought about ways to end a long-term friendship. "It's usually best not to burn bridges," she said. "A lot of times I don't call back. Or I might say, "I don't think we have things in common anymore, and maybe it's best if we don't see each other for a while.' " People expect romantic break-ups, but how could people dump the friends who helped them through a divorce - or through seventh-grade science? It feels rotten, callous and maybe even catty, experts say, but in the long run, ending stale friendships can be a healthy endeavor. "Relationships can have a negative impact on your life," said clinical psychologist Judith Sills, author of "Excess Baggage: Getting Out of Your Own Way." "Just because an attachment is in your life doesn't mean it is contributing. To move on, you must let go." Friendships often play as big a role in people's lives as romantic relationships, but we expect them to survive anything. The reality is that people change, and friendships don't always change along with them. "Over time, the intensity of a friendship may shift from "close' or "best' or "casual,' " says sociologist Jan Yager, author of "When Friendship Hurts: How to Deal With Friends Who Betray, Abandon or Wound You." "It's important to look at the friends in your life. Positive friends add to our lives; negative friends can be a destructive force." Cummins speaks of friends who no longer have the same values as she does or whose life choices have taken them in different directions. "Things can change if a friend goes to college and you don't, and they think you haven't kept up with them. Another friend got married - that definitely changes things," she says. And then there are the friends who don't contribute back to the friendship. "Some people are like black holes. They always have a problem and they always need you to cheer them up. I've had a couple of friends like that." Sills said some people really aren't your friends, although they initially appear to be. For example, suppose a friend always asks questions that lead you to discuss the negative issues in your life. "She asks, "Is your sister any happier? Is your husband doing any better?' " Sills said. "In the guise of friendship, she is competitive. You feel bad, and it takes you a long time to realize it's because she's squashing you." Another example is the friend who always seems to get you in trouble. "He was your drinking and drugging buddy in college," Sills says. "Whenever he's in town, you go see a hooker. You get drunk and throw up on your shoes. That might be a friendship you need to end." When certain common links disappear, friendships also disappear, says Denver psychologist Andrea Van Steenhouse, a Denver psychologist and author of "A Woman's Guide to a Simpler Life." "If you move and say, "Oh yeah, we'll be in touch,' most of the time you won't. Or your children go off to college, and you find they were your link. Or you get a divorce and the friendships you had with other couples drop off." So how do you know when it's time to call it quits? The most obvious sign is when it's time to hang out with a person and find yourself thinking, "I really don't want to do this," Van Steenhouse says. "It doesn't feel the same. When she's talking, you're not invested, and it starts feeling like an obligation." When that's the case, what should you do? "Keep the friend in your life but at a lower level of frequency or intimacy," Yager advises. "If it is necessary to end a friendship, it's best to wind it down and be busy rather than have a big confrontation." People don't always have that choice, Van Steenhouse says. Sometimes the issues must be talked about. "Say you're not interested, but she is," she advises. "It feels like such an awful thing to do, but you might say, "I realize that when I'm making time for things, our relationship doesn't rise to the top of my list.' Or you may ask her to back off for a while, maybe hang out once a month or every six months. "Tell her what you want. Really good friends always step aside when we need time." She said that by talking about the problem, both friends benefit because the relationship is honest - and the conversation ends such deceitfulness as not answering the phone for fear it is the unwanted friend. That advice works both ways, of course. If you feel unwanted, you may need to take the initiative. "You could say, "You know, this doesn't feel the same. Maybe it's time to take a break,' " Van Steenhouse advises. "But be sure to see if that's really the problem: Something else could be bothering them." In the meantime, she advises taking a close look at current friendships and working to keep them healthy. "When you move away, that's when you realize what friends are and how hard it is to make new ones," she says. You don't have to move to think about who really matters and brings joy to your life." "It is a lot of work," Cummins says of the friends she has kept. "The friends I still have that I really consider good friends I've had for 10 or 12 years. They're like sisters, and they always will be." All contents Copyright 2002 The Denver Post or other copyright holders. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed for any commercial purpose.